Friday, September 12, 2014

The Modern Bible Bookshelf... or shelves


Painting from Wikimedia Commons


Nowadays, there is a Bible to suit every age, every occupation, every hobby, every doctrine, and every situation.

You grow up on the Toddler's Bible, the Children's Version, the Tween Bible that reads like a comic book, and the Teen Bible for Girls that reads like a fashion magazine. Then when you are an adult, you can get the Engaged Couple's Study Bible, the Young Marrieds Bible, the Mother Of A Newborn Bible, and the Parent's Guide Bible. Don't be tempted to start thinking that you can recycle those old children's Bibles so that you won't need to buy another bookshelf, because the next generation is more modern than you are and they will need their own versions of kid's Bibles in all the latest graphics and colors.

Then of course, as you are reading to the children from their assorted Bibles (a different one for every age), you are probably reading the Parent's Guide Bible; but you need to feed your soul, too, so you have to get your own editions that follow your interests: The Bible- Video Game Edition, The Knitter's Bible (the one with devotionals, not stitches), The Chef's Bible, Traveler's Bible, Writer's Bible, Fly Fisherman's Bible (contemplations on Fly Fishing and Fishing for Men), Hunter's Bible or the Nature Lover's Bible.

Don't forget your occupation, too: The Computer Programmer's Bible, the Teacher's Bible, the Lawyer's Bible, and the like. Oh, and now that the kids are in school,  they need the Student's Bible, Locker edition. And as life throws you all kinds of responsibilities and unforeseen events, you may need the Debt Relief Bible, the Moving Bible, the Weight Loss Bible, and the Caretaker's Study Bible. Then of course you may want the Busy Person's Bible, the Split-Second-Glance Bible, or the Bite-Size Bible for those times when there isn't time.

Then as the kids get older, you will buy them the New Driver's Bible, High School Grad's Bible, and the College Bound Bible, Dorm edition. You will need the Empty Nester's Study Bible, and the Second Career Seeker's Devotional Bible, and they will need to start on the Devotional Bible track as mentioned above, with the addition of the New Job Seeker's Devotional Bible. Then as you get older, there will be the Retirement Bible, the Social Security Bible, and the Nursing Home Bible.

You can also get Bibles with notes from your favorite contemporary authors or preachers in the margins. Don't forget to make room on the shelf for their best-sellers, as the Bibles are companions to their more in-depth devotional, self-help, sermon books, and novels. As the children leave home and move around, they will need somewhere to park their old Bibles, so you better make room on the shelf for those, too.

Let's not forget in all this which version to read. You may have started with your Grandpa's archaic version, but now you have so many more to choose from: The updated versions, the simple language versions, the easy-to-read versions, and the one that reads like a novel (compiled by your favorite authors, with their transitions written between the scriptures to make it "flow"). You may want to try them all until you find one that says what you want it to. It is a hop, skip and a jump from there to a paraphrase, which will also get simpler over time. I have noticed that paraphrases and simple-to-understand Bibles often take more words to express something than the older versions, but I have no doubt that there will come a "few words" version of the Bible to make it even more desirable to read. And of course, you want to get the ones that are printed just for your particular denomination.

I wonder why there are all these Bibles for all these different interests, but not any for some of the other things or people that need specialized, focused Bibles? Maybe they are out there, I just haven't seen them yet. The Blogger's Bible, The Occupy Wall Street Devotional Bible, The One Percent Bible, The Jane Austen Devotional Bible, The UFO Sighter's Bible, or the Backyard Chicken Lover's Study Bible?  I wonder if a Bible Publisher should contact me for my ideas. It might be a profitable business to be in.

If I were to have some customized Bibles published, one would be The Dishwasher's Bible: a short, thick Bible that stays open on the windowsill above the sink, with large print and waterproof pages and ink. Hey, I think I just invented something there.

Now what do you think that girl in the painting is doing? I think she's saying "I'll keep my plain little old HOLY Bible, thank you very much."

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