On Being a Good Guest: Private Spaces

The Pleasant Times' Etiquette Lady

Sign Frame courtesy The Graphics Fairy. Feel free to print it if you think you need it after reading this article. 

 As the weather is warming up, and people are coming out of their winter hibernation, social events are cropping up on the calendars. Here is a little reminder on one facet of being a good guest.

 During large events, when the hostess is busy and the other guests are mingling, there are sometimes children (and the occasional grown-up) who will take off to roam the house unaccompanied and without permission, opening doors and poking their head into closets. These people are not lost; they just were not taught to control their curiosity. Children can cause mass destruction; adults can be just plain snoopy (though this sounds like crazy behavior for an adult, it is sadly common among people who no longer understand privacy or private property).

 There are private spaces in the home. Bedrooms come to mind, also home offices, utility rooms, storage areas, nurseries, closets, cupboards, drawers, and the like. Some homeowners like to keep all the upstairs rooms private, or maybe their basements. Some people will keep one room "company ready" and the rest closed off, in case they are not tidy enough to be seen by the public.*

 If you are invited to someone else's home, here's a tip to add to your company manners: unless you as a guest are invited to enter certain areas, it is best to consider them "off limits" and to be cautious about where you go in someone else's house. 

 The same philosophy belongs to the hosts' children, their pets, and their possessions.

 I have seen "please don't touch the baby" signs; this is a good idea for some situations. Babies can be made to fuss all day long when they have been passed from person to person, handled and bounced roughly when they object to being held by a stranger, or have their personal space invaded by people pinching their cheeks and poking their tummy. Please ask if you can hold the baby, and respect the mother's right to refuse you.

 Be cautious about your hosts' pets. Lots of hosts put their dogs in one room or one end of the house, to keep them from barking at guests. Sometimes the hostess will put a house cat in another room, to keep it from escaping out the front door. A wandering guest could cause trouble by opening doors and letting pets out. If you are an expert on birds, don't invite yourself to open the birdcage and handle the parakeets-- please ask first! Some pets do not want to be touched by strangers; be cautious before "loving" on someone else's animal!

 And lastly, respect your hosts' possessions. When the host and hostess say "make yourself at home," they mean "get that relaxed feeling, as if you were at home". They do not mean "pretend this is your house, and do what you want with it." Do not feel free to move their decor, put your feet on the furniture, snoop in drawers, open closets, go through their stack of mail, and the like.

 If you are a host or hostess, you can certainly let the guests know that they are free to explore the house, if that is what you want. If that is not the case, most of us are too shy to say "please sit in this room and don't leave it!" This is where placing a "private" sign on the doors may help. For children who cannot read, or don't care to pay attention, a polite word to the parents at the start of the visit may be in order: "The children may play in the living room and the porch area." You could just hope that your wishes will be respected, but personally, I think locking doorknobs (with keys in the possession of the hostess) may be the best idea for those who entertain frequently.

 So be a good guest, and respect the homeowner's privacy!

*I realize that in this day and age, keeping a messy room private does not jive with the "be honest, be vulnerable, let it all hang out" philosophy of the times. Blocking off a messy room is not snobbery, or trying to give a false view of your home. It may be that the hostess is embarrassed because she did not have time to clean the rest of the rooms; there are still people who believe in the old-fashioned concept of taking pride in your housework.  It could also be that you, as an honored guest, should be treated with the best that the hostess has to offer, be it the best food she can present, the most comfortable seat, and yes, the best rooms.

Dress Up

Painting: A Stitch in Time (1915) ~ William Henry Margetson 

via Wikimedia Commons

This has to be one of the top articles on clothing I have read! The owner of Edelweiss Patterns has explained the concept of dressing up so well, and trends vs. classic clothing, that I think I'll never have to write an article about it myself:)

The Rules

By The Pleasant Times' Etiquette Lady, Miss Rose

There are certain rules to life that used to be just floating around in the air we breathed. Unfortunately, due to climate change, these rules are no longer present in large quantities in the air, and have been so diminished and diluted that society will have to start issuing them in print as a reminder. Here is one of the most neglected rules, appertaining to the purity and sacredness of marriage:

Rule #1
Men and Women should Not live together before Marriage.

This used to be called living in sin.

Rule #1a A couple who are living in sin should be gently corrected by their families and friends.

Rule #1b
An unrepentant couple who are living together before marriage should not:

•  Plan large, far-off in the future weddings, but should get married as quickly as possible.
• Ask people to buy them wedding gifts, since they have already set up housekeeping together.
• The Bride should not wear white (no matter what the new experts say it symbolizes now, it meant purity and still does in most people's minds).

Rule #1c
Couples that listen to correction, repent, and live chastely apart until the wedding may have Rule #1b amended.

"God Thing?"

By The Pleasant Times' Etiquette Lady Miss Rose


As many long-time readers of this column would guess, I like to err on the side of "traditional." I think the "traditional" way of doing, dressing, saying or behaving is probably the safest way in many cases.  I feel very strongly that we should stay with tradition in our language. There are many areas of language I could write about today, but lately I am particularly rankled by some new (to me) religious terms that are being used, so that is what I will address today.

This article is not about criticizing people's feelings or their walk with God.
It is about criticizing some of the expressions used when referring to God, the Bible, Christ and His church.  I advocate that we be careful and reverent when referring to the Almighty, All Powerful, Holy God, no matter what the new trend is, or how it makes us feel. Let's all feel closer to God, yes, but let's speak of Him with respect!

Let me begin first of all by telling you that I love God. He has been with me all of my life. He is close to me and loves me. I feel that He is near to me and that I can always talk to Him no matter what. He sent His Son to die for my sins, and for your sins, too. He made a way for me to be with Him in heaven. He is my heavenly Father.

But I'm not going to call him by a nickname.

I want to be careful how I speak about Him. I want to show the Lord respect. I want to show Him that I am His humble and grateful servant, and that He is so much better than anyone else. When you feel that way about someone, you do NOT speak to them or about them casually.


Prayer
Henry Le Jeune
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 The following is going to sound very picky, perhaps; but calling God "THE GOD" or "A GOD" without the "OF"  is a trend that I think is irreverent.

 The following combinations have been used to refer to the Almighty Lord and His wondrous works:
"The God vote" (referring to religious voters)
"The God people" (referring to believers)
"The God thing" (referring to spiritual life-- or some mysterious force?)
"The God _______" (what have you)
(Some of these phrases use "Jesus" instead of God)
This use not only grammatically changes God from His place in our language from a proper noun into an adjective, but it smacks of unbelief! I can see an atheist using similar terms, or a reporter using them when trying to take a jab at Christianity, but should Christians use them? They put God in a box. They turn Him into just an idea, which may or may not be real.  Remember the traditional "The God of Abraham" or "The God of the Universe?" Is there something wrong with those phrases that folks do not want to use them? They have a lot more depth of meaning to them than the other.

 Though some may innocently use "It's a God thing" to refer to blessings or the Providence of God, are they aware of what it sounds like?  Do we want to demote God and His gifts to a thing? Is this really the best way to talk about God?



"Saying Grace",...
Norman Rockwell
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We should not lose sight of the old way of talking about and referring to God, Christ, the church and the Bible.

He sent redemption unto his people: He hath commanded his covenant for ever: holy and reverend is His name. -Psalm 111:9

For a rich study, go to Scripture and see the many names of God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, the church, and the words used to talk about all of His wonderful works. Since they are from the Inspired Word of God, you cannot really go wrong using them!



Jean-François...

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A Child's World

By The Pleasant Times' Etiquette Lady. 

The Whole Duty Of Children

"A child should always say what's true
And speak when he is spoken to,

And behave mannerly at table;

At least as far as he is able."

-Robert Louis Stevenson

"Children should be seen and not heard" is a phrase we are all familiar with, though by the time most of us were born the advice was considered out-dated and no longer in practice. It has its place, however, in all modern children's lives, and I will add to it by saying that there are times a child should not be seen, either.


There are certain situations when children should participate, or at least there is no harm in them doing so, and then there are situations when children need not be present. I know that a lot of people feel that in order for a child to learn and mature, they must socialize  with adults, be included in every activity, and listen in on everything that is being said, not just once in a while, but constantly. The child is put on the same level as an adult. On the other extreme are the adults who constantly push away children, depriving them of all understanding of real life. The ideal, I believe, is in a balanced approached.

Madame Monet and Her Son
Claude Monet
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"None of your Beeswax."


Parents have their own world. There are a lot of things that are either none of the children's business (or "none of your beeswax" as we children used to remark to each other) to concern themselves with, or plainly inappropriate for children. If parents want life-long respect from their children, they need to protect their world and not let youngsters take it over. One day the child will be a parent, and then it will be their world. Until then, they should be under the authority of their parents and not equals with their parents.


Children, too, have their own world. A child should have a happy and care-free childhood to look back upon with fond delight. A child should be child-like, not childish, and as that child grows, develop a natural maturity aided by wise guidance from the parents. A child's life should revolve around the family, of course, but for as long as possible it should be one of innocence and freedom from the dark and heavy burdens of life. 


"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." 


As children grow, and mature, then they may be more ready to shoulder the burden of information of how difficult the world is, but as children, they should be told enough to make them sober but not enough to make them despair.


Let me give you an example: A child that has no sense of how much things cost, and who is careless with the possessions of other people, and plays heedlessly, needs to be taught some idea of the value of money and the sacrifice that has been made to provide them with toys and clothing, etc. On the other hand, a child need not know how much money her parents make, what they do with every penny, exactly how much debt is crushing them or learn to bite her nails over the nervous anxiety of imagining life if her parents cannot pay the water or electric bill, or the rent or house payment. Just enough general knowledge of respect for money, trust in her parents and an instillation by training of habits of conservation verses wastefulness should suffice for many years of a child's life. A child who knows her parent's financial situation intimately will become a little judgmental, micro-managing critic whenever mother takes her shopping. She'll be utterly worried over every expenditure, and thus a quite disapproving attitude will be developed over the way she thinks her parents are handling money. Some money talk will inevitably be overheard by children when their parents talk, but heavier discussions of it should not enter the child's world.


A child who knows how rich her parents are, on the other hand, will be a demanding little spoiled princess whenever her mother takes her shopping. As I say, a training of the mind regarding finances, in a judicious manner, will be undertaken by any wise parent. A child taught to understand their own meagre finances (i.e. piggy bank and how to save, spend, how much things cost, etc.) will be better occupied than being allowed to mentally manage their parent's finances.


Children should not be concerned with things that an adult is responsible for. They should not be following their parents around with a critical eye. Children are anxious to catch their parents in a hypocrisy, and that attitude comes from getting out of their world and into their parent's world.


I agreed with the chapter in the book, The Simplicity Primer,  where the author talked about not worrying the children over impending doom-- such as the world burning up from an environmental disaster- in such a way as to render the child a nervous wreck despairing of even life itself! Explain things in a balanced way to children, in a way intended to have a practical application, too, so the child can learn a lesson or good habit from it, but do not frighten them.








Dewey vs. Truman
Norman Rockwell
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A child may be taught at a young age about the danger of fire, for example, in such a way as is very dramatic and scary. The child may be so traumatized (especially if they have an active imagination!) that they will go around unplugging every appliance in the house. Perhaps instead of frightening the child, fire safety could have been emphasized, with useful application: loose papers all over their messy room are highly flammable; or that having a messy, toy-strewn floor makes it hazardous for the firemen who are coming in to rescue them! This gives the child something to do about the danger, every day, instead of being hyper and  worried.


There are some things in this wicked world that should not crash in on a child's world. I was blessed to have an innocent childhood myself; the perverse lifestyles, jail birds, drugs, and moral failings existed when I was little, but I was blissfully ignorant of them. People were people to me: old, young, some like my family and some different. This was an ideal childhood, and freed my mind to concern itself with learning other life-long lessons, such as how to brush my teeth and why we go to church. 




Be Seen and Not Heard. 









The Picture Book
H.e. Jones
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In company, children should be seen and not heard. As long as the conversation is general, children will learn a lot from listening to adults talk, if they will not interrupt or partake in the conversation unless they are spoken to. And when they are spoken to (as in, asked a question or called upon to relate something) they are to be quiet until spoken to again. I'm sure everyone has had the annoying experience of a child who thought they were on the level with adults, and took over the conversation. Such a child may think they are showing how intelligent they are, but in reality they are creating a dislike in the adult for themselves. Adults like to be treated with respect (yes, and a little awe) by children, not as if the child thought himself to be on the same level as his elders.

An example that many of us will be familiar with is Thanksgiving Dinner. There is usually a children's table at this feast, and all the cousins are seated there to talk as grown-up as possible about their child-world.  At the other table are seated the adult relatives. Many a time a child has turned to listen to the adults speak, and as long as the conversation is fit for company, there is no harm in this. A quiet child will find amusement in watching adults converse, watching their usually-serious father or grandfather crack up over some joke or long-forgotten story, and observe with curiosity smile lines only seen during belly laughs. A child might hear old wrinkled up Aunt Edna tell stories; old feeble Aunt Edna, who looks as if she has lived through three centuries-- the one with purple hair who and few teeth, -- a child may be surprised to learn that she was once young and beautiful, and married. They may hear about the time when cousin Sue was newly married and driving the car to town backwards because she didn't know how to drive, and once she had it in reverse couldn't figure out how to get the gears into any other position! Or, a child may observe sobriety and a few tears when a past generation is remembered, and about people who were vibrantly alive when the adults were children around the thanksgiving table. It does not hurt the child to hear these things, if they will sit quietly and observe and not interrupt!

Some things may need  explanation in a situation like this, and a child may want to know what a word means, or what era is being spoken of, what an outhouse is or why great-grandma had to beat off the old black rooster with a cane every time she went outdoors. Even still, a  child should not interrupt. They should be taught to keep a mental note of things they want to ask about, and ask mother or daddy on the way home, or at some other convenient time. A lot of times, things will be self-explanatory, if one listens to the whole story without interrupting. And, it is a good exercise for the child's mind to connect the dots and see if he came up with the right answer, and ask his mother or father later on. Some things, indeed, can be filed away until further notice; there are many things that I have heard about, and years later an "aha" moment came when I finally found the missing piece to the puzzle via a book.

I recall the many times that I sat on my father's lap when I was a wee thing, while a visiting minister and my father were talking about missions and churches. Most of it went over my head, but it was a privilege to be allowed to stay there quietly and listen in.

These are examples of the times when a child may be seen, and not heard.



Not Seen and Not Heard.






Goodnight
Arthur John...
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Then there are times when a child should not be seen, either. Examples of these times are: when you are counseling a friend over a very important or private matter, whether in person or on the phone; when you are composing letters or emails, whether or not there is something in them that is personal; when parents need to discuss something serious; when parents need to discuss something parenting-related, whether or not it directly involves the child (they can be told later when conclusions are reached); and when there is something going on that is gender-specific.


Though there are many lessons to be learned as a child, and parents want to be able to point out real-life examples and promote life-long learning, a parent need not drop everything to teach the lesson right then and there. Maybe a friend's life is falling apart, and she has come to cry on your shoulder. A child should not be present at times like this, and if he is, this is NOT the time to "seize the moment" and derive a moral lesson from it for the child. Perhaps the child need not know a thing about it, or a lesson can be given later to him on the subject, speaking in general terms.

To Seize or Not To Seize




The Orange Gatherers
John William...
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Well then, what about those "teachable moments?" There will be times to seize the teachable moment, and times when it is not the moment.

A child should not delay your normal tasks and daily work with a battery of questions, demanding to know what is this and that, how this or that works, etc. He should learn to be observant, and a parent can "teach as you go" by talking and explaining while she does the work, but the world need not stop for a detailed explanation when dinner needs to be on the table by the time Daddy comes home.

Children should not interrupt important conversations between mother and father, or important and stressful tasks the adults are working on, to whine and fuss and make a general pest of themselves.

Conversations among adults should never be interrupted for long, drawn out explanations to children. That can wait until later.

 I remember once, in response to a question, I was laughingly told "because the birds fly south for the winter" and I suppose it did not matter that I knew whatever it was right then and there. A phrase any of the Little House book series readers will remember is "Little pitchers have big ears." That meant there are certain things that should not be talked about in front of a child.

A parent has to keep some personal privacy and dignity, and save some lessons for later. If a child needs to learn to write letters, set a good example and let him see you writing them often, but do not let him lean over your shoulder and see every word you are writing. That is called poking his nose into your business. The time for him to learn is when you set him down to compose a letter, and there will be the opportunity for you to explain to him how it is done.



Moonbeams
Jessie ...
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Take some time to enjoy your children and converse with them, so that they do not miss out on important subjects and lessons, but let it be the right time, the right place, and not to the annoyance of anyone.



You are not their business, but they are your business.




The Cider Mill, 1880
John George...
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On the other hand, it is the parent's business to poke their nose into the child's world constantly to make sure their training is "taking" and to watch out for dangers. Be consistently aware of what your child reads, watches, listens to and whom he associates with. Know who your child's friends are, and how they play, and what they say.

I might add here to avoid neighborhood children at all costs; in my experience neighborhood children are rarely raised with the same standards of language, modesty and morality as my family hold. Many parents will not send their children to pu. school as "child missionaries" because they know this may do more harm than good; well, your children are not necessarily neighborhood missionaries, either. Many worldly children enjoy "enlightening ignorance" and introducing and defining certain words  for their more innocent playmates. If you were wondering how that word made it into your child's vocabulary....
Perhaps my view of neighborhood kids is a jaded one, use your own judgement. Just be cautious!

While I am at the business of stepping on everyone's child-raising toes, let me assert here another opinion of mine: that some children are less often in their parents world and more often in their own world or that of their friends; and that some children are too often in their parent's world and less often in their own child-world, and the latter I have observed mostly in home educated children. Both are extreme statements, I find neither of them satisfactory. One perhaps is a  child who has no interest in their family life other than how it benefits them, and who resents it when their parents try to teach them something because their parents are not paid state teachers, or they have no respect for their elders, or they live in video-game land. The other is a child who has been brought so far into the parent's world that they are just plain weird, have no normal childlike desires, and when they are not in video-game land, they are sticking their little upturned noses into their parent's business. Please try to normalize your children as much as possible and spare the world these extremes!

May God grant all parents with the sight they need to see when it is wise to include their children, and when it is not the right time to take them out of their world.


Postscript:

A note about gender-specific situations: Boys should be taught to respect and appreciate loveliness; the pretty lace doily on the coffee table for example (don't fool with it and make a hole in it), a nicely scented candle (don't fool with it and scratch it with your fingernails or pocket knife!), or how nice their mother looks when she puts on her makeup and a pretty dress. They should not, however, be overly-curious about such things, and develop the un-masculine habit of making wimpy sounding remarks of "oh, how cute" or "isn't it adorable?" nor should their presence be allowed in certain situations, such as when the girls are putting on makeup or in the sewing room during a dress fitting. NO BOYS ALLOWED should be posted when the girls of the family need privacy. 

Girls, also, should not be overly into the boy's lives, or imitating a boy's speech or manner, at the risk of losing their femininity. Boys would also like to do things quietly sometimes without the pesky girls asking them thousands of questions ("interferin' women"). 

Just as children need to have a respect for parents, they need to have a respect for siblings as well. Sometimes, that means to be seen and not heard (and not have your cute little foot right on your brother's puzzle) or just plain not be seen (when your sister is reading her Jane Austen novels).

A Mother and her Children by a Stream
Hans Anderson...
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Say It Isn't So!

By The Pleasant Times Etiquette Lady, Miss Rose

Sometimes people fall into the habit of inserting themselves into narrow slots, classifying themselves to others as ones who "never" or "can't stand" this or that, in order to make an impression, make conversation, or make excuses. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about:

Miss Doe might say, "Oh, I hate housekeeping. I would rather sew." Now, if Miss Doe would analyze her true feelings, she may discover that what she said about herself was not entirely true. It may be true that she'd rather sew than be bogged down in the kitchen washing dishes, but let me tell you the truth about Miss Doe: she likes to eat off of clean dishes. Furthermore, Miss Doe doesn't really like starting a project when the kitchen is a wreck, and knows her mind works better when the house is clean and neat around her. Miss Doe also gets into quite a rapid pace when she is housekeeping, and enjoys it more than she claims. Miss Doe may regret that she has not a lot of time to devote to sewing, but should she really tell people that she hates housekeeping? It gives a bad impression to her listeners about her (visions of a dirty house arise in their minds). Perhaps instead, she could say she loves to sew, and wishes she had more free time to do so.

Home Making (click to buy from Allposters)

Perhaps it is from the desire to appear humble, and not conceited, that people generalize in this way. While that desire seems admirable, it is also kind of sad that people are so quick to put themselves in a box. Sometimes these types of things can become a habit, a speak-before-you-think phrase said to quickly fill in a lull in conversation. But what happens to the girl, who says she "hates to cook" just to make conversation, but then starts to believe it of herself?

Young Mother Sews Up a Turkey

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Children often use statements like this. "I'll never be able to..." "I can't do this or that..." "I hate doing such and such...."  Attitudes like these leave no room for "try, try again," leave no room for improvement, or the discovery that one can learn to enjoy the very thing they talked about negatively.  While we try to curb this attitude and speech in children, do we pay attention to what we adults say ourselves?

And while someone may say things like this, and be absolutely truthful, maybe they want to think twice before leaving others with unnecessarily negative impressions.

That Guy

A Note from the Pleasant Times Etiquette Lady Miss Rose

Today, the 5th of November, marked the anniversary of the day that Guy Fawkes was supposed to have blown up the English King and Parliment. He was found out, fortunately, as well as the group he was part of, before such a horrible plan could be put into action.

Because of the relief he felt in being spared from such a fate, King James I of England (IV of Scotland) declared the 5th of November a day of joy; and it has been a tradition that around this time of year, bonfires are lit in that country and Guy Fawkes is burnt in effigy.

In the 19th century, "GUY" came to be a term used for an oddly dressed man. In our own times, "GUY" came to be any man. In the part of the world I live in, the horrid term has come to mean "ANYONE," Whether a group of men, a group of women, or a mixed group of both! I find this just as horrible as I find Guy Fawkes.

"The discovery of the Gunpowder Plot" by Henry Perronet Briggs circa 1823, courtesy Wikipedia

It is hard, when it becomes so frequent in the culture that surrounds us, to change a term such as this. I find it especially strange that ladies do not object when they are called "GUYS" by someone. I find it sad that many women use this term when with other ladies, not by design but because they have come into the habit of it.

Therefore, I would like to plead, that we remember this day as a day when we NO LONGER use the term "GUY" to refer to anybody (unless that is their proper name) and start using
"Sir"
and "Ma'am"
or "Miss"
or "Fellow"
or "Lad"
or "Lass"
and when addressing groups, "LADIES" or "GENTLEMEN."
or "Friends" or (when in Rome) "Romans," or "Fellow Countrymen."

If one finds that too difficult to do, at least replace "Hi guys" with "Hi, You All" and if you must, you can take the Southern way and say "Y'all" for it sounds a lot nicer, and is very easy to say if you open your mouth just right. 

If it helps, remember who "GUY" was and disassociate yourself and your friends from him!

A Bit About the Wedding, A Bit About the Gown

by The Pleasant Times Etiquette Lady

One of the recent posts on Home Living was about modesty in weddings, particularly in the choice of a wedding gown. In the ensuing discussion, a question was asked, are weddings for the bride and groom or for the guests?

As Etiquette Lady, I would like to answer this with my opinion of who and what a wedding is for.

I believe a wedding is a mixture of purposes. The bride and groom need a wedding make public their vows, and the wedding is for the guests to have an opportunity to celebrate the couple, to share in their joy.

The bride and groom use the wedding to make their vows (which are most binding- 'til death do us part!) to each other, in the presence of witnesses. By making these vows public, in however large or small a wedding, they show that they are serious about them and that they fully believe what they are saying to each other.

In this day and age of "shacking up," I believe couples (especially the men) have lost sight of the purpose of getting married. Men, let me tell you that in the old days, when people were more mindful of their generations, you would want to know for sure that who you were married to was with you (officially) for life, and that the children born to you were yours, and would legally carry your name as your wife does, and thus inherit your property someday. Marriage provided a secure situation for the wives, as well. None of this going from boyfriend to boyfriend stuff, gathering children with non-committed fathers. No, let us not have that; I believe in weddings. Though they are not a guarantee that the couple will stay together, they provide a much more stable, less confused society.

The wedding is also for the guests, a time for the families of the bride and bridegroom to celebrate their marriage. It is a form of hospitality, traditionally hosted by the bride's family, who send invitations abroad to friends and relatives staying "Come! Come and witness the wonderful thing that is to take place." Some sort of refreshment is usually served after the wedding. Where I live a wedding will last a few hours, in other countries and cultures it may be a lot longer!

A couple may have a very formal wedding, which can make some in this present "casually inclined" era to feel uncomfortable. A formal wedding seems to incline toward the gravity of making wedding vows, impressing upon the guests the solemnity of the occasion.

Or, a couple may choose to have a more casual wedding, where the guests feel like one big family gathering together. Though not diminishing from the seriousness of the vows, it is just as wonderful and both kinds of weddings are joyful.

The bride often plans her wedding and reception down to the smallest details so that the celebrations will be congratulatory to the couple rather than unwelcome. The guests are there to honor the couple, and so a wedding will be arranged in such a way as to make it easy for the guests to do so. The comforts of every guest invited is considered, much ado is made about what food to serve, where to have the wedding to accommodate everyone, wedding favors and mementos for the guests, etc.

The bride has control over what she wants to go on in the wedding and at the reception. Some brides choose not to serve alcohol, perhaps because of their own beliefs, her disinclination to have drunkenness about, or because there are treasured guests that would feel uncomfortable with those things. A bride should be honored for this and not resented or whispered about for excluding it. Another example might be leaving out loud modern music or dancing. These are a few examples of what a bride or couple may decide to do in planning "their day."

Perhaps on this special day, the wedding day, guests who in everyday life like to "rib" or josh the bride or groom would do well to think before they jest. Some jests and toasts and at receptions are in bad taste, and it would be best to consider the bride and groom, and the tone they have set for the wedding, before one decides to tell jokes.

Too often we see weddings that seem like they are "just for show," however I believe that much thought has been put into the wedding by the bride to make it a festive occasion for the guests. If a wedding is put on just to impress, just "as a show," and the couple is not really serious about what they are doing, that would indeed be sad.

A note about in-laws: Weddings are happiest when the two families are pleased that their children are to be joined together to make their own family. Life is happiest this way, knowing that each set of parents loves your spouse and fully supports your marriage. This support will be precious to you in the ups and downs of life, and when children come along.

Couples should consider their future lives not as "just us two," but realize that a marriage is actually the coming together of two family cultures. Each person brings into the marriage with them their family traditions. Anyone who marries and thinks they will not "have much to do with the in-laws" is just plain naive. Who you are marrying is actually a combination of his or her parents, and a whole family tree beyond that!

It is truly a blessing when the couple has known their future in-laws long before an engagement was even thought of. When this has not been the case, it is good form for the bride and groom to get to know their future in-laws as soon as they can, whether in person or by letter or telephone if long distances prevents any meetings. Ideally this could be done before the couple is even formally engaged. It gives them a chance to know each other, and to seriously consider the step they are about to take.

If a bride cannot stand her future in-laws, and is dreaming of Christmases and birthdays centering around her family to the exclusion of the groom's, she needs to consult the groom about this before the wedding. If the groom thinks her father is an old ogre, and wants to make sure they live far, far away from her "dear old dad," he needs to have a chat with the bride. Perhaps a bit of time may be needed to iron out these differences before the wedding, before the vows seal the two lives inseparably. In-laws should be viewed as a wonderful blessing to the couple! The combined wisdom of all parents can greatly aid the couple in the years ahead.

And now we leave the fascinating subject of the wedding, on which volumes have been written, having just brushed the etiquette for it, and I shall turn my words to modesty and its place in the wedding wardrobe.

A bride may want to "dress to impress" and if so, she needs to think about whom she is trying to impress.

If she chooses to show off an abundance of her flesh, leaving little to the imagination, she may think she is impressing the groom. This sort of impression is best left for private times and places, and not made public.

Perhaps a bride who chooses an immodest dress and bridesmaid's dresses is trying to impress her peers with the latest fashion or shocker. She should keep in mind that it is not just her peers who are attending the wedding, and it is best not to shock your grandmother.

Let me tell you, ladies, brides are impressive by default. To don a gorgeous gown of shiny satin or shimmering silk- perhaps once in a lifetime- and have all eyes upon you, have your hair done just so and professional photos taken of you, to get to hold a fabulous bouquet (how many times in ordinary life do you get to walk around with a bouquet?) and wear a bejewelled veil or especially gorgeous tiara or hat; how can you fail to impress?

A bride could be covered from neck to floor in satin and lace, and be absolutely beautiful and radiant! They were a hundred or so years ago. One need not go "Edwardian" to have a modest wedding dress, though. Nowadays, with strapless wedding gowns glutting the market, and mini-skirted bridesmaid's dresses being "the thing," something below the knee with a higher neckline and sleeves could be considered a big improvement. However, why settle for that? Why not explore the options- patterns, dressmakers, boutiques, and get yourself a wonderful gown that is beautiful and modest? Some brides choose to wear their mother's gown, which I think is a lovely tradition. The gown may be from another fashion era, but is very, very special. Modest wedding gowns can be so beautiful, and timeless!

(All photos are of a home-sewn wedding gown.)

The Beauty of Restraint

By The Pleasant Times Etiquette Lady, Miss Rose

Summer will soon be upon us, and it is time for my annual rant on the cut of women's clothes: I think that fashion designers and clothing manufacturers cut too much material off of women's clothes in the summertime.

Now before anyone gets all hot and bothered saying "this is a free country," "we can do what we like" "You are being too judgmental" etc. let me first say that I am very glad this is a free country. I am glad we can dress the way we please. I have no objection to this being a free country. I would not want it any other way. I wanted to clear that up so that no one would have a heat stroke getting all worked up over that issue.

The freedom to exercise personal restraint is ours. We do not have to have anybody checking our closets, telling us what to wear. We have the freedom of choice, and the freedom to choose to restrain and refrain ourselves from dressing or behaving immodestly.

You may have an addiction to showing off parts of your body that you ought to be covering up. I wish that more girls would understand that there is more beauty and worth in a woman who chooses modesty and propriety.

Don't let "all hang out" -show a little restraint. If someone laughs at you tell them you are so special, that not just anybody can look at the rest of you. Yes, you will be made to feel bad by those who want to pull you down to their comfort level (so they won't feel so bare in their scanty clothes). Be brave. Somebody will thank you for it.

Put some value on yourself. Do not sell yourself cheaply by dressing in your underwear all summer. Use some restraint. Think of all the benefits of shading your skin from the sun.

I have entitled this article "The Beauty of Restraint" because I think that if we all showed restraint in our conduct, including what we wear and the way we wear it, and tried to be modest, it would make our summer a very beautiful one, not just for us, but for others around us. Many of us have heard of troubles in schools, churches, workplaces, etc. caused by girls who do not restrain themselves in their dress and behaviour. I believe a lot of girls dress immodestly to gain attention to themselves.

What you wear might flatter your complexion, your figure, etc. but what is really beautiful is who is wearing it. I don't know how many times I have been to a grocery store where the girl at the cash register has to wear a uniform, with a grocers' apron over it, but she is very attractive and popular with the customers, because of her sunny disposition, her winning smile, her happy eyes, and her cheerful comments to the customers. I know people who will wait longer just to be in a certain clerk's lane for those reasons. All you can really see of these ladies is their face and hair, and their hands taking your money. I suppose they are trained to be so friendly that the customers will be distracted from the high prices, and give up their money in a happy mood. Even so, it proves to me that if girls would just restrain themselves from dressing immodestly, and work on their smiles, their hair, getting a cheerful attitude and pure heart so as to add sparkle to their eyes, work on their voice and the content of their speech (no swear words, please), they would be far more attractive to people, and bring cheer instead of shame to the country.

Allow me to go down memory lane for a moment. I recall that certain old songwriters and poets used to write about a girl's voice ("low and sweet"), her face ("the fairest"), her eyes ("the truth in her eyes ever dawning"), her smile ("bright"). In the olden days, that was about as much of the girl as you were allowed to see. I think girls (and boys) prized clear, sparkling eyes, a sweet voice, and a happy smile back then, far more than a tan or a belly button.

Lest you think I am very unmerciful, let me just add that I am not without pity for a modern girl's plight. I am not advocating that everyone don sweatshirts and saggy baggy overalls this summer. After a recent clothing shopping trip, I realize that it is easier to say "dress modestly" than to do it, for I do not know where people go to find anything decent to wear. Finding a modest and beautiful garment is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I am sorry for the girls who do not sew (or do not have time to sew) their own clothes, because then they are at the mercy of whoever designs all that junk in the stores. I used to wonder why in the world girls dress like they do, but now I am feeling more sorry for them. They probably cannot find anything to wear but indecent, immodest clothing that is too short, too tight, too low-cut and too unflattering. (Yes, even if a girl has a beautiful figure, the latest styles are very unflattering to it. I have heard men and women say that the low-cut hip-hugger pants make a girl look "fat," "like she has a spare tire around her waist," and her "rear end looks wide." Sounds awful, doesn't it?)

My proposed solution to this dilemma is this: boycott the designers. Refuse to buy something that is ugly or immodest. Search out the beautiful, modest garment, and buy it. Count up how many times you get a compliment for wearing something nicer than what is out there. Send a strong message to the stores and designers that customers are tired of the trash.

And if you are someone who enjoys over-exposing yourself, I challenge you to use restraint this summer in your clothing choices.

Common Courtesies

By the Pleasant Times Etiquette Lady

Too many of us forget the common courtesies of life. Old or young, we all are guilty at some time of forgetting our manners. When I was a young person, it was my observation that those other young people called  teenagers were either very forgetful or entirely ignorant of the common courtesies. I suppose this error could be because of a deficiency of training by parents, or a disregard for training if they did have it.  It is better to get into the habit of using these common courtesies while young, as it may not come easy by the time you are twenty. I am happy to say that a lot of the teenagers I see these days seem to be more polite. 

I will list here just a few of some common, everyday courtesies often forgotten:

• Thank you notes. A simple, one-sentence note will at least tell the giver (who was kind enough to spend money on you) that you received the gift, that it was not lost or stolen, and that you were alive to receive it. Just take 5 minutes out of your day to write one, or better yet, jot down a note as soon as you open the gift. In these modern times, we are told that even a phone call or an email will do to express thankfulness to gift givers. 
• Giving way on the sidewalk to the elderly, and men should give way to the ladies. Boys should give way, too, as soon as they are old enough to know this. It is very annoying when a group of boys or girls are spread out on the sidewalk, or in a store aisle or at the mall, and they play "chicken" with people walking towards them. I have seen this done many times, and eventually people are intimidated to get out of their way. And if you do not get out of their way, watch out! They will plow right on through you. This is very impolite. 
• Opening doors for the elderly and ladies. Have you ever seen an able-bodied young man open one of those heavy glass doors in a store, and then just let go of it, leaving the poor woman behind him to get smashed or struggle with it alone? It may be excusable if he did not notice someone behind him, but is very rude when the fellow knows there is someone there. 
• Refrain from snickering. It is very rude to laugh behind your hands at someone. If you notice, this snickering is often done with friends, and becomes a "group effort." Many times I have seen someone pass by a couple of girls, who explode into snickering, leaving the victim wondering why. Perhaps there is nothing wrong with the person passing by, but the rudeness and thoughtlessness on the part of the snicker-er causes much needless embarrassment and consternation to that person. Although it is sometimes hard, when you are thirteen, to refrain from a smile or giggle when you see something odd (for instance, someone with their hair dyed three colors and sticking up in spikes in all directions) we must do our Christian best at self control, and remember the golden rule. 
• A nice older man on a tractor tipped his hat to me while I was on a walk down the road, and it made my day. Though not the fashion anymore, this is a very polite thing for the men to do, and ladies should respond with a cheerful smile. 
• Smiling. Keep any sneering  off of your face! Simply smiling at someone instead of giving them a cold stare may change that person's mood. A lady told me of the time she was in the grocery store, and smiled at an elderly man as she walked by. She thought nothing of it, but he did, and he deliberately searched her out to thank her for making his day. Our faces naturally fall into a frown when relaxed, and it takes more muscles to smile, but in the end when we all get wrinkles, would you rather have smile lines or frown lines? Teenage girls look radiant when they smile, but so often I see the deepest frowns on their young faces. 
• Talking. Yes, believe it or not, talking is an everyday courtesy! Too many teenagers are sullen, and refuse to enter into a conversation (especially if the conversation is with adults or parents). It eases tension if you keep up a conversation. Be sure to be polite in replying as well. A sharp YES, NO, or a sarcastic answer to questions makes the other person so uncomfortable, they may avoid talking to you the next time!
  

 I enjoy reviewing the common courtesies, for when they are implemented, they make life so much nicer!

Bedrooms are for Sleeping

Or, Thoughts on Visiting for Parents and Children

By The Pleasant Times Etiquette Expert

When I was a child, and invited over to other children's houses with my family, it was inevitable that I was sent away with the child of the house to their room, where there were oodles of toys. Very often the child, in hospitable zeal, got out ALL the toys at once and invited me to play with whatever I wanted to. This was surely nice, and it was quite an honor to be treated thus. I assumed that since this was their room, the child knew what he was doing and so I shyly picked up a toy.  However, when the visiting time was over, and the parents came to fetch us children, they would look at the room in horror, and say "Look at this mess! You can't come out until this is all cleaned up."

Now I believe that children should clean up their messes. It wasn't that that bothered me so much, it was the shame of thinking that I was looked upon as an instigator in this mess. Oh, they may not have said it, but I could tell the look on the parent's face as they surveyed the room, then surveyed their child, then surveyed me, that they thought it was partly my fault. That perhaps I had encouraged their child to make this mess by asking for too many things, or going and getting them out myself. Being a shy child, I never did such things. But being a shy child, I never could muster up the courage to tattle-tale on the real culprit. 

It was always an embarrassing experience and one repeated often when I was very young.

When I was older and had a voice, I would ask, "are you sure your parents said we could.... play with that family heirloom? ...that big game? ....that antique toy? ...get something in the kitchen to eat  ....get this or that out?" Many children confidently affirmed that, yes, their parents let them do whatever they wanted. And how many times was that proved wrong? Same embarrassing situation again... but the parents are more upset, and give more piercing looks. Has that ever happend to you?

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Barber, Charles...
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Or how about the other way around: how many of you can recall having a family over, and you took the child to entertain in your room while the adults visit? How many times did your hospitable obligation led you to let the child play with some of your most precious things? How many times did the guest jump all over your bed and messed it up? And how many times was your room been wrecked by said child? 

Holiday Riots Or the Muckley Children at Play, c.1869 Giclee Print
Muckley, William...
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How many of you parents have had guests over, whose children disappeared down the hallway to your child's room, where all kinds of bumps, noises, crashes and cries come to disturb your visit? All the jumping up and down to check on the kids interrupts the flow of conversation. 

Or perhaps you, the parent, were the guest; when it was time to go and find your child, did you find you had to navigate your way through a strange labyrinth of doors and hallways to see where she was? 

Even worse, how many of you have been to visit others, only to find the teens all go and lock themselves in someone's bedroom and play loud music? Not only is that rude, but it isn't good training for real-world socialization. 

I realize that adults would love a time to have a quiet, deep and meaningful conversation with friends, without children in the same room, talking noisily, or interrupting. However, I think that one could find a creative way to get around this without sending junior down the dark hallway to the bedroom to play. 

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Here are my thoughts for solving this: Bedrooms are private. Keep your bedrooms for sleeping in.

 

Bedrooms are for peace and rest; we do tend to use them as playrooms or storerooms, but it is our personal area and our personal things.  Unless we have prepared the room especially to receive guests, I consider the bedroom private. I don't believe in sending children off to a bedroom, out of sight and earshot, to play and wreak havoc.

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Shannon, Kay Lamb
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It is nice for a child to share a toy to entertain a guest, but take it out of the bedroom before the guests arrive, and shut the door behind you! Parents can help their children think of all the things they can do to entertain a little guest, and prepare ahead of time for the visit. There is no need for the guests to get a tour of every inch of your house, unless you, the parent, decide to take them on one. 

There are many ways to be hospitable, to show your guests preference and honor, and give to them your very best. Perhaps, though, it doesn't have to include play time in your child's bedroom. 

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Hopkins, Arthur
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Find a place close by to where you are, where your children can play a quiet game, or talk politely, and where you can still see them. If they want to play outside, make sure you can see where they are and where they're going. You may have told junior not to play in the flower bed, but in the excitement of the moment, junior might have forgotten and he and his friend trampled your flowers. If you can at least see the children, you might prevent a lot of trouble and damage. 

If your child is invited to go to someone's bedroom, make sure you say something, such as "I'd rather keep junior where I can see him. Can they play on the porch out here?" Make sure that your children know to play quietly in the house. When they are older children, teach them to politely say, "Thank you, but can we play (somewhere close by)?" 

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Elsley, Arthur...
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As for teenagers, they ought to be quiet and listen to the adults converse. It is good for them to experience the real world. If they are desperate to have a private conversation of their own, they can also go out to the porch or someplace where they can be seen. Why do they need so much secrecy? A respectful teenager will also ask permission to leave the room with a guest, stating why and where they are going, and making sure that the visiting family is okay with it. 

Remember that people are often embarrassed to say anything, lest they seem to be "making a fuss," and so might agree to things that they are really not comfortable with. If you are such a person, try to find ways to say things ( such as "I don't let my children go unsupervised") in polite ways, and in the sweetest way possible. 

Won't You Have Some? Art Print
Morgan, Frederick
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I realize that it is sometimes not possible to prevent damage or chaos, or even to keep an eye on children at all times. I do believe, however,  that at least trying to supervise children at play may prevent a lot of woes. 

Some may disagree with what I have said here, not wanting to monitor their child's every movement (though I did not say you have to follow every footfall of your child) or somehow hinder their freedom. If you feel that way, time and experience may soften your opinion of my views. 

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Di Giacomo, Fran
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Children get excited when a playmate is coming over! Giving and receiving hospitality can be (and should be) a wonderful experience, both for the parent and the child. 

Awaiting the Visitor, 1878 Giclee Print
Toulmouche,...
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